December 1, 2005: It's time to cancel Thanksgiving. For one thing, it's all about
food. Which is bad for your health. Experts say America's obese
multitudes are becoming a burden on society. As in, the last 5
skinnies whose insurance supports billions of mega buttocks.
Shame shame on those who reach for the mashed potatoes! In the
spirit of social consciousness and just in time for Turkey Day,
X Prez Bill Clinton stepped forward to confess that as a
teenager, he wasn't a werewolf but a chow hound. Hoping to
inspire others to lay down the fork. Throw your hands in the
air for his profile in courage. Which in high school apparently
looked a lot like the logo from the old Alfred Hitchcock show.
The second bad thing about Thanksgiving is that except for the
price of food and travel, it doesn't do much for the economy. In
fact, it may actually impede people from partaking fully of a
more meaningful holiday-- Black Friday. Think about it. If folks
didn't have to wash dishes, wrap leftovers, take relatives to
airports, drive home, or sleep off the turkey tryptophan, they
could start camping out days earlier at stores offering pre dawn,
limited time sales. An important consideration since such sales
have become one of Black Friday's most cherished traditions.
This year, in several places, Black Friday early bird sales
turned Day of the Locust. Who can forget the image of people
being trampled as store doors opened? Including the woman whose
wig was ripped off by somebody's foot? Obviously too many early
birds are in no shape for combat. Without a big Thanksgiving
dinner under their belt, shoppers would be better able to battle
for Xgames, plasma TV's or any other insta-obsolete item on the
must-have hit list. Traditionalists who missed Thanksgiving could
do turkey MRE's while bivouacked on line. In between writing to
their mothers and sweethearts. Dear Mom am fine. But the guy
behind me keeps trying to cut ahead...
Not being an early bird shopper, I'll never experience the thrill
of hand to hand combat in the electronics aisle. However, I have
begun working on my Christmas gift list. Some entries follow:
1) For Joseph Pontoriero, president of Connecticut based Worth
Construction, the money X Mayor Phil Giordano of Waterbury still
owes him for those 6000 dollar suits. Plus 2 dart boards: one
featuring the faces of various feds from several states who
maintain Pontoriero & Worth are mob connected, the other sporting
the mug of New York State Comptroller Alan Hevesi. Who had the
nerve to nix Worth from a 46 million dollar contract the Thruway
Authority had already approved. Citing, among other things, an
ongoing federal investigation of Pontoriero and Worth involving
municipal corruption in Waterbury, Connecticut. Though my first
choice as Xmas gift for Pontoriero was a 14.8 million dollar
courthouse construction deal, Putnam County in New York State
beat me to it. Putnam County Executive Robert Bondi must be a
real early bird!
2) For the New York State Republican Party, a first edition of
Ricky Ricardo's seminal "Splaining". For use should Westchester
County district attorney Jeanine Pirro be the party's 2006
candidate for U.S. Senator or better yet (even worse?) State
Attorney General. Campaign contributions to Pirro from Joseph
Pontoriero/Worth Construction (see above) have already raised
eyebrows. Say hello to scalpville, plus deep rehashes of Pirro's
other issues re organized crime, should ongoing federal events
in Connecticut heat up while she's on the campaign trail.
3) For New York State Senator Joe Bruno, whose idea it was that
Pirro run for Attorney General rather than face Hillary Clinton
in the senate race, a hearing aid for the ethically tone deaf.
4) For the many prominent politicians in both parties, from
several states, who've taken campaign contributions from Joseph
Pontoriero, Worth Construction, or any permutation thereof, one
used 6000 dollar suit. To be shared among them. Hey-- Phil
Giordano only had so many suits. The rest are needed for pols
who take money from other alleged mob contractors & developers.
5) For New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, a shiny
tin star and Stetson hat. The Sheriff of Wall Street needs to
look the part as he runs for governor. No doubt Spitzer's last
year as AG will bring a roundup of all the side-winding political
varmints who thought themselves safely ensconced on Main Street.
Or in New York State's multitudinous quasi-public agencies and
authorities. Think again podners! Which reminds me-- toss a lasso
into Spitzer's gift box. Also check eBay for those gauze masks
once worn by Michael Jackson. To be used when The Sheriff cracks
down on desperados whose backyard grills belch noxious emissions.
6) For Charles Gargano, the head of the Empire State Development
Corporation (one of New York's most powerful quasi-public
agencies) the deed to Brooklyn. Plus a sweatshirt emblazoned
"Eminent Domain Uber Alles" and a pair of non-binding EZ boxer
shorts declaring "I heart friends of Governor Pataki".
7) For the residents of Endicott in Broome County, New York, all
the good paying jobs the friendly folks at Endicott Interconnect
Technologies have been promising ever since the company's
principals bought and refurbished IBM's local facility with
federal and state money delivered by Charles Gargano, Governor
George Pataki and local Rep Tom Libous. Memo to self: pick up
a CD of "Tommy" for Pataki and a nice set of steak knives for
Libous. Reportedly, the last Friends Of Senator Libous Steak
Roast was a tad dull.
8) Get a separate gift for Pataki & Lady Libby in light of their
White House ambitions. Bowling balls made out of snow are just
the ticket for knocking down ninepins in hell.
9) For the people of New London, Connecticut, a visit from space
aliens intent on abducting an entire municipal government
(excluding recent 3rd party electees) and all quasi-public
development agencies. Heaven only knows to what purpose.
10) For the people of New Jersey, a visit from space aliens
intent on abducting the entire state government, plus myriad
county and municipal administrations and all quasi-public
development agencies. Heaven only knows to what purpose.
11) If Putnam County in New York has already snapped up the space
aliens, second choice gifts for Jersey include: a) For the ocean
front county of Monmouth, a gaggle of singing sirens and plenty
of wax. The former to perch on a rock in the Atlantic and the
latter to stuff the ears of local citizens. Leaving only pols
and developers susceptible to the dames at sea. b) For HUD bucked
boosters in Camden County, another copy of "Splaining". Book
marked at the section bout splaining away the city of Camden's
Quitno rating as the most dangerous urban center in the nation.
c) For HUDson County, several thousand sets of shackles and a
hunka hunka burning tuff love for pay-to-players. Combined with
total freedom from all public funding.
12) Ditto the last for all neighborhood associations everywhere
who hustle taxpayer jacked real estate and housing deals instead
of concentrating on things such as crime, clean streets, good
government and putting the heat on ghetto grocery stores. As a
sub for HUD bux give a jumbo box of Goobers stamped New Urbanism.
Wrapped in a ripped up road map to the suburbs.
13) For Mayor Jerry Jennings of Albany, New York, a magic crime
stat eraser. Plus a fully operational toy bulldozer and tiny
scale models of cunningly crafted blighted neighborhoods. With
a complete set of pop-up drug dealers, battery powered mortgage
flippers and plenty of play money.
14) For Springfield, Massachusetts, even more residents who are
repulsed by the kind of municipal government personified by
the X administration of X Mayor Mike Albano. Plus a medal for
every good government type who made it through his years.
15) For Providence, Rhode Island, a prince to kiss the city and
awaken it from its long dream of lovable rogues.
16) For Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and Newark, New Jersey, a
tube of Crazy Glue for the lips of those who scream racism every
time a corruption investigation touches the admins of Mayor John
Street and Mayor Sharpe James.
17) For X Governor John Rowland of Connecticut and X Governor
Jim McGreevey of New Jersey, a DVD anthology of Starting Over.
Plus a big box of hankies for Jimbo. In case he feels a cry
18) For Dubya, a vintage Nixon mask & DVD of The Caine Mutiny.
19) For Hillary, a vintage Nixon mask & DVD of Mommie Dearest.
20) Finally, for the people of the United States, cookies all
around. Oh. Wait. The obesity thing. But Christmas, unlike early
bird sales, comes but once a year. So to heck with food fears.
For ultimately proving themselves not enamored of the war in
Iraq, for coming down hard on the Supreme Court's wretched call
on redevelopment related eminent domain in Kelo vs. New London,
and for not buying into the lie that cheap foreign labor at
home or abroad is good for the country, John and Jane Q. deserve
a buttery star. The public isn't always right but sometimes,
they really really are.
Merry Christmas and a temporary good night. Deep qt is going
on holiday hiatus. A new issue of PEEP the art part of Mondo
QT, will appear for Christmas. And a new look for all of
Mondo QT is slated for 2006.
God bless ya, ya big moke!
Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff
"Believe I have seen the mountaintop and am careening down
The Autobiography of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life,
My Tapes, Twin Peaks Productions, 1991
"Here comes Santa Claus!/here comes Santa Claus!/right down
Santa Claus Lane!"
Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autrey, Oakley Haldeman, 1947
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