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Right Down Santa Claus Lane
December 1, 2005: It's time to cancel Thanksgiving. For one thing, it's all about food. Which is bad for your health. Experts say America's obese multitudes are becoming a burden on society. As in, the last 5 skinnies whose insurance supports billions of mega buttocks. Shame shame on those who reach for the mashed potatoes! In the spirit of social consciousness and just in time for Turkey Day, X Prez Bill Clinton stepped forward to confess that as a teenager, he wasn't a werewolf but a chow hound. Hoping to inspire others to lay down the fork. Throw your hands in the air for his profile in courage. Which in high school apparently looked a lot like the logo from the old Alfred Hitchcock show.

The second bad thing about Thanksgiving is that except for the price of food and travel, it doesn't do much for the economy. In fact, it may actually impede people from partaking fully of a more meaningful holiday-- Black Friday. Think about it. If folks didn't have to wash dishes, wrap leftovers, take relatives to airports, drive home, or sleep off the turkey tryptophan, they could start camping out days earlier at stores offering pre dawn, limited time sales. An important consideration since such sales have become one of Black Friday's most cherished traditions.

This year, in several places, Black Friday early bird sales turned Day of the Locust. Who can forget the image of people being trampled as store doors opened? Including the woman whose wig was ripped off by somebody's foot? Obviously too many early birds are in no shape for combat. Without a big Thanksgiving dinner under their belt, shoppers would be better able to battle for Xgames, plasma TV's or any other insta-obsolete item on the must-have hit list. Traditionalists who missed Thanksgiving could do turkey MRE's while bivouacked on line. In between writing to their mothers and sweethearts. Dear Mom am fine. But the guy behind me keeps trying to cut ahead...

Not being an early bird shopper, I'll never experience the thrill of hand to hand combat in the electronics aisle. However, I have begun working on my Christmas gift list. Some entries follow:

1) For Joseph Pontoriero, president of Connecticut based Worth Construction, the money X Mayor Phil Giordano of Waterbury still owes him for those 6000 dollar suits. Plus 2 dart boards: one featuring the faces of various feds from several states who maintain Pontoriero & Worth are mob connected, the other sporting the mug of New York State Comptroller Alan Hevesi. Who had the nerve to nix Worth from a 46 million dollar contract the Thruway Authority had already approved. Citing, among other things, an ongoing federal investigation of Pontoriero and Worth involving municipal corruption in Waterbury, Connecticut. Though my first choice as Xmas gift for Pontoriero was a 14.8 million dollar courthouse construction deal, Putnam County in New York State beat me to it. Putnam County Executive Robert Bondi must be a real early bird!

2) For the New York State Republican Party, a first edition of Ricky Ricardo's seminal "Splaining". For use should Westchester County district attorney Jeanine Pirro be the party's 2006 candidate for U.S. Senator or better yet (even worse?) State Attorney General. Campaign contributions to Pirro from Joseph Pontoriero/Worth Construction (see above) have already raised eyebrows. Say hello to scalpville, plus deep rehashes of Pirro's other issues re organized crime, should ongoing federal events in Connecticut heat up while she's on the campaign trail.

3) For New York State Senator Joe Bruno, whose idea it was that Pirro run for Attorney General rather than face Hillary Clinton in the senate race, a hearing aid for the ethically tone deaf.

4) For the many prominent politicians in both parties, from several states, who've taken campaign contributions from Joseph Pontoriero, Worth Construction, or any permutation thereof, one used 6000 dollar suit. To be shared among them. Hey-- Phil Giordano only had so many suits. The rest are needed for pols who take money from other alleged mob contractors & developers.

5) For New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, a shiny tin star and Stetson hat. The Sheriff of Wall Street needs to look the part as he runs for governor. No doubt Spitzer's last year as AG will bring a roundup of all the side-winding political varmints who thought themselves safely ensconced on Main Street. Or in New York State's multitudinous quasi-public agencies and authorities. Think again podners! Which reminds me-- toss a lasso into Spitzer's gift box. Also check eBay for those gauze masks once worn by Michael Jackson. To be used when The Sheriff cracks down on desperados whose backyard grills belch noxious emissions.

6) For Charles Gargano, the head of the Empire State Development Corporation (one of New York's most powerful quasi-public agencies) the deed to Brooklyn. Plus a sweatshirt emblazoned "Eminent Domain Uber Alles" and a pair of non-binding EZ boxer shorts declaring "I heart friends of Governor Pataki".

7) For the residents of Endicott in Broome County, New York, all the good paying jobs the friendly folks at Endicott Interconnect Technologies have been promising ever since the company's principals bought and refurbished IBM's local facility with federal and state money delivered by Charles Gargano, Governor George Pataki and local Rep Tom Libous. Memo to self: pick up a CD of "Tommy" for Pataki and a nice set of steak knives for Libous. Reportedly, the last Friends Of Senator Libous Steak Roast was a tad dull.

8) Get a separate gift for Pataki & Lady Libby in light of their White House ambitions. Bowling balls made out of snow are just the ticket for knocking down ninepins in hell.

9) For the people of New London, Connecticut, a visit from space aliens intent on abducting an entire municipal government (excluding recent 3rd party electees) and all quasi-public development agencies. Heaven only knows to what purpose.

10) For the people of New Jersey, a visit from space aliens intent on abducting the entire state government, plus myriad county and municipal administrations and all quasi-public development agencies. Heaven only knows to what purpose.

11) If Putnam County in New York has already snapped up the space aliens, second choice gifts for Jersey include: a) For the ocean front county of Monmouth, a gaggle of singing sirens and plenty of wax. The former to perch on a rock in the Atlantic and the latter to stuff the ears of local citizens. Leaving only pols and developers susceptible to the dames at sea. b) For HUD bucked boosters in Camden County, another copy of "Splaining". Book marked at the section bout splaining away the city of Camden's Quitno rating as the most dangerous urban center in the nation. c) For HUDson County, several thousand sets of shackles and a hunka hunka burning tuff love for pay-to-players. Combined with total freedom from all public funding.

12) Ditto the last for all neighborhood associations everywhere who hustle taxpayer jacked real estate and housing deals instead of concentrating on things such as crime, clean streets, good government and putting the heat on ghetto grocery stores. As a sub for HUD bux give a jumbo box of Goobers stamped New Urbanism. Wrapped in a ripped up road map to the suburbs.

13) For Mayor Jerry Jennings of Albany, New York, a magic crime stat eraser. Plus a fully operational toy bulldozer and tiny scale models of cunningly crafted blighted neighborhoods. With a complete set of pop-up drug dealers, battery powered mortgage flippers and plenty of play money.

14) For Springfield, Massachusetts, even more residents who are repulsed by the kind of municipal government personified by the X administration of X Mayor Mike Albano. Plus a medal for every good government type who made it through his years.

15) For Providence, Rhode Island, a prince to kiss the city and awaken it from its long dream of lovable rogues.

16) For Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and Newark, New Jersey, a tube of Crazy Glue for the lips of those who scream racism every time a corruption investigation touches the admins of Mayor John Street and Mayor Sharpe James.

17) For X Governor John Rowland of Connecticut and X Governor Jim McGreevey of New Jersey, a DVD anthology of Starting Over. Plus a big box of hankies for Jimbo. In case he feels a cry coming on.

18) For Dubya, a vintage Nixon mask & DVD of The Caine Mutiny.

19) For Hillary, a vintage Nixon mask & DVD of Mommie Dearest.

20) Finally, for the people of the United States, cookies all around. Oh. Wait. The obesity thing. But Christmas, unlike early bird sales, comes but once a year. So to heck with food fears. For ultimately proving themselves not enamored of the war in Iraq, for coming down hard on the Supreme Court's wretched call on redevelopment related eminent domain in Kelo vs. New London, and for not buying into the lie that cheap foreign labor at home or abroad is good for the country, John and Jane Q. deserve a buttery star. The public isn't always right but sometimes, they really really are.

Merry Christmas and a temporary good night. Deep qt is going on holiday hiatus. A new issue of PEEP the art part of Mondo QT, will appear for Christmas. And a new look for all of Mondo QT is slated for 2006.

God bless ya, ya big moke!

Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff

"Believe I have seen the mountaintop and am careening down its slopes"

The Autobiography of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life, My Tapes, Twin Peaks Productions, 1991

"Here comes Santa Claus!/here comes Santa Claus!/right down Santa Claus Lane!"

Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autrey, Oakley Haldeman, 1947

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Copyright (c) 2005 by Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff. This material may be freely distributed subject to the terms and conditions set forth in the Open Publication License. This license relieves the author of any liability or implication of warranty, grants others permission to use the Content in whole or in part, and insures that the original author will be properly credited when Content is used. It also grants others permission to modify and redistribute the Content if they clearly mark what changes have been made, when they were made, and who made them. Finally, the license insures that if someone else bases a work on this Content, that the resultant work will be made available under the Open Publication License as well.


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