March 4, 2006: Mayor Bob Slotsky rolled over in his coffin. The girl next to
him (what the hell was her name?) was still dead to the world.
As usual the date rape drug had delivered. Slotsky made Miss
No Name happy one more time then heaved himself out of the box.
There was municipal work to done.
The phone rang. It was Police Chief Kram. He sounded scared. The
feds were in town. Poking their noses into just who owned which
bar in Slaugerton's entertainment district. Where HUD had pimped
the strip of clip joints and beer barns till it glittered like
a gangsta grill.
Slotsky let fly with a few thousand expletives as he pulled on
his pants and tried to zip up his fly. The zipper was missing
teeth. One thing Slotsky hated about being a zombie was having
to wear the clothes he was croaked in. The other was the
conspiracy by the living to rob zombies of political power.
Bob Slotsky was Slaugerton's first zombie mayor. He figured if
the feds were focusing on Slaugerton now, this had to be the
reason. After all, it was former Mayor Terry McConn, not Slotsky,
who'd revitalized the city's night life by funneling federal
funds into the hidden hands of Sal "Coochi-Coo" Adobo and his
mob pals. All Slotsky was doing was keeping the funds flowing.
Sure he had big plans to build a gambling casino and convention
center adjoining the entertainment district, but they were
just that-- plans. Though the real estate deal was already
crony cut, the democratic pony show was grinding along. Until
taxpayers coughed up their "investment" of state bonded debt,
pay-to-players couldn't really belly up to the bar.
Slotsky had taken office via a special election after Mayor
McConn mysteriously disappeared. Since it was summer, a lot of
voters were out of town. Absentee ballots were counted by Slotsky
supporters, ringers watered down the already piss poor reform
vote, and Slaugerton County Exec Frank Tusk threw his weight
behind Slotsky. But Slotsky didn't really need an edge.
He had the support of Slaugerton's dead. Who never take vacations
and on election day, vote early and often. With one of their
own running, they turned out in droves. The rumor Slotsky had
something to do with McConn's disappearance only amped his
appeal. It was well known in the cemetery hood that McConn and
local development lovely Lara Tremor had murdered Slotsky earlier
in the year. His return as vengeful zombie made him a hero;
a symbol of rising up angry. That Slotsky was popped because
McConn and Tremor discovered he was wearing a wire mattered
not a whit. Like the saying goes-- what happens on the other
side, stays on the other side.
After Slotsky finished struggling into his tattered togs he
headed for city hall. Chief Kram was waiting in his office.
Jock Kram was tall and cadaverous. A holdover from the McConn
administration. Wags said Slotsky kept Kram on because of
"%$#&*#@&% Jock" said Slotsky
"%$#&*#@&% Bob" said Kram
Slotsky broke out a bottle and two glasses and lined up some
toots on his desk. After a few gulps and snorts the world
started looking like an oyster stamped property of Slotsky &
Kram. And the feds? It was just their typical crap. It wouldn't
go anywhere. Bring it on.
Mayor Slotsky lit a Turbano. Fetid smoke filled the room.
Chief Kram coughed and keeled over.
Slotsky pressed a buzzer on his desk.
"Take this stiff outta here and burn it" he told the two burly
zombies who answered.
After they'd gone Slotsky tossed the late Chief Kram's glass,
with the last dregs of poison in it, out the window. It
shattered on the sidewalk, narrowly missing an old lady in a
wheelchair. She looked up and shook her fist at Mayor Slotsky.
"You can't fight city hall!" he sang out and slammed the
Chuckling, he sat back down at his desk and took a deep drag on
his stogie. He began planning the announcement he'd make re the
job bump up of Assistant Police Chief Sean McGargle. A zombie
from Garden of the Angels who'd proved his loyalty in the special
election by mangling the chads of Slotsky's opponents. Slotsky
hoped to have all the top slots in city government filled by
zombies within a few months. His ultimate plan was to be the
first zombie governor of New Jorksacutt. After that...?
His dreams of glory were interrupted by his secretary. Who
announced over the intercom that two federal agents were in the
outer office and wanted to talk with the mayor. Slotsky brushed
the last bit of blow off the desk and ground out his stogie. Send
them right in he said in his best, hearty, public servant manner.
Annoyingly, the zipper of his fly chose that moment to give
To be continued....
Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff
"Though our endorsement of mayoral candidate Robert R. Slotsky
was qualified by concerns over his occasionally demagogic
statements to the dead community and certain aspects of his
record as a political consultant, the Slaugerton Herald-Union
believes the best man has won. Mayor Slotsky's commitment to the
continued rebirth of Slaugerton is unquestionable. By embracing
the revitalizing vision of his predecessor, Mayor Terrence A.
McConn, Mayor Slotsky has made it clear his administration will
represent the entire community of Slaugerton. As for Mayor
Slotsky's past record, Slaugerton must move ahead into the
future. Where all of us, including the dead, are going to live."
Bix Blanc, editor, Slaugerton Herald-Union, Summer 2005
Send comments or confidential tips to: