The story so far: In the post industrial city of Slaugerton, New
Jorksacutt, Mayor Terry McConn and local development lovely Lara
Tremor discover political consultant Bob Slotsky wearing a wire.
They kill him. But Slotsky comes back as a vengeful zombie. They
do him again. No luck. Terry and Lara disappear mysteriously.
Slotsky is elected mayor, via a huge turnout by the dead community. McConn appointees start dropping like
flies. Lara surfaces in witness protection. Boy Scouts find Terry
McConn's body in a ravine. Or do they?
August 23, 2006: The feds had busted Mayor Bob Slotsky. No biggie. Slaugertonians
were used to seeing pols do the perp walk. To the point where
they rated them for form and performance. Mayor Slotsky scored
well on the latter; he looked straight into the news cameras and
proclaimed he was "eager to face the charges and clear my name".
But he lost points on form. As the feds hustled Slotsky off, his
rotting trousers gave way and dropped to his ankles, turning a
smooth shackle shuffle into an awkward stumble. To make matters
worse, a cameraman from Cable News 88 caught him cursing zombie
traditions. Telling his lawyer that always having to wear the
#@%$#& clothes he croaked in was a #@%$#& drag and a half.
Bob Slotsky was Slaugerton's first zombie mayor. The city's body
politic, both breathing and non, blamed his corruption bust on
the national conspiracy to disenfranchise the dead community.
Like Slaugerton Herald-Union editor Bix Blanc put it "politics
is a dirty business". What bothered people more than the arrest was its impact on Slaugerton's image-- and its property
values. Which thanks to a city hall backed blitzkrieg of FHA
mortgage fraud, were finally on the upswing.
Slaugertonians also knew about the conspiracy to shaft cities. Slaugerton,
the second largest city in New Jorksacutt and the seat of county
government, had once boomed. Then Henry Ford invented the
automobile. At first cars seemed harmless. Even benign. They
carried hicks into the arms of the city. But eventually those
cars reversed direction. And carried blue collar strivers away
from machine pols and slums. Slaugerton movers and shakers got
wise to the plot too late. Their descendants were more savvy. Anyone
suspected of being inventive was given a fast Henry Ford outta
town. Meanwhile, in Dee Cee, Slaugerton's reps went after urban
sprawl hammer and tongs. Declaring it a national threat besides
which obesity and bird flu paled.
Brew Barn Blues
"Change that %#$@&*# channel" said Slaugerton County Exec Frank
Tusk. The TV over the bar at the Peanut King Brew Barn was tuned
to Cable News 88. Slotsky's perp walk was being looped every half
hour. As was footage of Slotsky and Tusk marching arm in arm at
the last Slaugerton Pride Parade. Flanked by Slaugerton's finest.
Most of whom were now zombies. The news mimbo was blabbing how
Mayor Slotsky had made it a priority to recruit the living dead.
And how, after Police Chief Kram tragically incinerated
himself smoking in bed, Mayor Slotsky had appointed a zombie to
fill his shoes.
Bartender Mike Testirolla was a moonlighting cop. When not
slinging drinks or fighting crime, he flipped real estate as
Officer-Next-Door LLC. Sergeant Mike had been a Kram man. He
resented zombies swelling the cop crop and being bumped to the
top. He liked seeing Slotsky's pants drop. But he changed the
channel for Tusk. Sergeant Mike was nothing if not diplomatic.
Besides, law enforcement rumor had it that a big bad was headed
Mike's brother was the Brew Barn's owner of record. The real
owner was Sal "Coochie-Coo" Adobo. Adobo's interest was hidden.
As was his interest in every HUD buck used to revitalize the
strip of downtown bars known as the "entertainment district".
Wags at the Slaugerton Economic Development Agency (SEDA) called
him Don CDBG*. A title Adobo himself used when dealing with
anyone looking to launch in the sea of liquor. When talking drugs
he wore a different hat, one that looked like a cop cap. Half the
force was in Adobo's can; Chief Kram had been his man.
"Reporters are nothing but vultures." Sergeant Mike snapped his
mung rag at the TV. The laff track on a syndicated rerun of
"Who's The Boss" guffawed in agreement.
"They din have to hoomilate him that way." Tusk was feeling the
effects of a couple dozen drinks.
"Awwwwwwwww" chorused the canned TV audience. Live-in hunky
housekeeper Tony was having a heart-to-heart with bodacious boss
Angela's wispy son. Telling him how to stand up to bullies.
Tusk continued to soliloquize. "Me and Slotsky came up together.
Hell-- we were frat boys at St. Coochie Coo. Back when it was
St. Mary's. Before Adobo made that huge #@&%*&$ endowment."
The artificial audience sniggered salaciously. Angela's randy
old mother Mona had caught Tony in the kitchen wearing nothing
but an apron. The laffs turned hysteric when Tony skidded across
the freshly waxed floor and collided with an antique bust.
"The #@&%*&$ feds don't really have anything on Slotsky or
anybody else. They've been poking round Slaugerton for years."
"Too bad life can't be like a television show, Mr. Tusk", said
the man who'd just seated himself on the next bar stool, "with
everything neatly resolved in a proscribed time frame."
Tusk peered at the guy through an alcohol haze. He looked kind of
familiar but Tusk couldn't make him. Was he some ax-grinding
constituent looking to hold him to a campaign promise about a
pothole or tax cut? Shit. Like he always said, politics would be
great if it weren't for voters.
"What'll it be bud?" said Sergeant Mike to the stranger.
"A cup of joe" said Federal Agent Dale Cooper "and if possible,
a slice of cherry pie".
To be continued...
Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff
"Report to the field office tomorrow. Gun clean, badge polished,
The Autobiography of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, Dale Cooper,
Twin Peaks Productions, Inc. 05/91
*CDBG stands for Community Development Block Grant. A U.S.
Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) program meant
to address blight and improve social conditions in deteriorated
or borderline neighborhoods. The program is popular at local
governments levels because of the leeway given in allocating
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