March 24, 2007: With each presidential election the candidates seem more
proscribed and the selection process more truncated. Inner party
poopers, talking heads and big money try to seal the deal before
the ink is dry on the last guy. This time the dumb beats loudest
for Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. If Hillary and Rudy wind
up the people's choice they'll be a killer combo platter. Little
dif between the chow fun and lo mein but plenty of ptomaine.
Hillary and Rudy are more alike than they're different. For
instance, both are first name celebs. A familiarity that breeds
contempt. Debates between Hillary and Rudy will evoke Britney vs.
Madonna. Americans have traditionally called most presidents by
their surnames. Or their initials. As in-- FDR, JFK, LBJ. Ike got
away with a nickname because he was Ike. Hillary and Rudy aren't.
Which is something else they have in common.
Both are also thin skinned and vindictive, with closets full of
skeletons. Imagine the clatter as each side fires ammo from the
other's boneyard! No attack will go unavenged. Salvo will meet
salvo. Hillary and Rudy will try to appear above the fray while
their secret armies get busy. By the time either one ascends to
the throne their image will be in tatters. The public will know
everything they didn't want to and were afraid to ask-- thereby
cutting the normal time it takes voters to become disillusioned
with presidents down to nada. Campaign bitterness will fester
in partisan breasts and calls for impeachment will begin on
Inauguration Day. If Hillary wins her enemies will have a leg
up: there are still all those boxes of Impeach Clinton bumper
stickers in the back offices of the vast right wing conspiracy.
Hillary's conspiracy peeps need to get printing NOW. Lest they
be caught with their pants down.
Another Hillary and Rudy similarity: they'll both slog on in Iraq
forever. Yeah yeah Hillary talks a little anti war but she knows
lip service like George Hamilton knows toasted. Despite party
labels Hillary and Rudy are essentially neo liberals, a breed
closely akin to neo conservatives. The canniest crew who ever
destroyed a country in the name of democratizing it. While
campaigning Hillary and Rudy will do the Mesopotamian Shuffle.
Hillary will look back in anger at WMD duplicity but play the
hawk in all the right places. Rudy will promise to make Baghdad
as safe as Times Square, but won't mention that his top cop and
security firm partner Bernie Kerik botched setting up a police
force in Iraq right after the 2003 invasion.
As for illegal immigration, neither Hillary nor Rudy will rock
the Chamber of Commerce. Neo libs, like neo cons, worship the
great god Kookamooka. Aka the global economy. Though Hillary,
while campaigning, will suck up to labor. And Rudy won't mention
how Giuliani Partners LLC, after collecting a $4.3 million
consulting fee, didn't manage to make Mexico City as safe as
Talking New York, Hillary and Rudy are 2 peas in an Empire State
pod. The state's pork seeking pols are praying Hillary and Rudy
top the national tickets. The good times will roll no matter who
wins. Being New Yorkers also makes it easier for Hillary or Rudy
to sell the Brooklyn Bridge when they find a buyer. After all,
there must be somebody out there who believes they'd cut federal
spending, reduce the size of government, or be big on protecting
Hillary and Rudy are government lovers. Not the slightest light
can be seen between them. Hillary might tweak government power
more in one direction and Rudy in another, but both would go for
the bloat. The Hillary/Rudy beast is the embodiment of a two
party system which has morphed into one entity re essential
One last similar thing. As president, either Hillary or Rudy
would be great as America's Next Top Comic Model. Both are prime
caricature material. Hillary's YouTube turn as Big Sister was a
natural and Rudy was captured in all his snarky Nixonian glory on
a recent cover of New York Magazine. Coincidentally, guess which
presidents have appeared most often on the cover of MAD Magazine?
Nixon and Bill Clinton! Tying at three times each. Though Bill
Clinton might have the edge since MAD's "Special Clinton Bashing
Issue" in September 1997, had a cover which by some accounts was
the magazine's "strongest political statement ever."* Sad to
think Alfred E. Neuman was part of the vast conspiracy. Ah well.
What me worry. Move over Dick and Bill. Rudy or Hill may soon
fill your MAD shoes.
Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff
Sources include but are not limited to:
"New York wonders as Giuliani gains support," Ellen Wulfhorst,
"Rudy Says Bye Bye Bernie," CBS News, 12/22/04
Press Release: President Bush, Police Commissioner Kerik Discuss
Police Force in Iraq, 10/03/03 www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/10/20031003-2.html
*MAD Cover To Cover, By The Usual Gang of Idiots, With Running
Commentary by Frank Jacobs, E.C. Publications, 2000
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